- Stress management
- Impulse Control
- Mindfulness
- Motivation
- Setting and working towards goals
These points cover a wide range, so I will break them down to share ways you can support your child in and out of school.
Stress Management: Stress is a part of life, and a little stress can actually be quite helpful in helping us perform at our best. The problem occurs when the pendulum swings too far and we become overwhelmed, emotionally and/or physically, by stress in our lives. Common symptoms of stress include feeling nervous or anxious, problems sleeping and feeling tired, procrastinating, letting go of responsibilities, negative thoughts, feeling overwhelmed and an inability to focus. Many kids report school as a major stressor, in addition to family life, social dynamics and relationships and extracurricular commitments. Managing stress is an important life skill, and as parents, we are in a prime position to both model and teach positive strategies. Some very helpful strategies include:
- Exercise- Physical activity is one of the best stress busters around. Adding a social component to it by including a friend or being on a team with friends, makes it even more enjoyable and more likely to remain part of your regular routine.
- Sleep- Children and teens need between 9 and 11 hours of sleep per night. As many of you can attest in your home, most get less than this necessary amount. Battling stress and feelings of being overwhelmed is much harder to do when sleep deprived, so please work together as a family to get enough sleep. Recommendations for quality sleep include no screens at least an hour before bed, no screens or devices in the bedroom at night, not drinking caffeine in the second half of the day and cutting back on strenuous and stimulating activity close to bedtime.
- Balance- School work is important, but so is quality time with family, friends and activities that bring fun and joy. Be present in the activity you are in, and when it is time for fun and enjoyment, focus on doing just that. Listening to or playing music or spending time working on a hobby or any other interest feeds the soul, particularly when we are stressed and helps keep things in perspective. If your child is spending more than an appropriate amount of time on school work, make sure they are doing work free of distractions. Also, talk with their teacher about expectations and make sure those are aligned.
- Focus on our strengths- Taking stock of the things we are good at helps keep stresses in check. It is easy to feel overwhelmed and buried by stress, but energy spent focusing on the things we do well can help temper that quite a bit.
- Ask for help- Talk to a parent, teacher or other trusted adult about how you feel can help take some of the load off. They may have suggestions for strategies you can use to manage the stress. Also, if stress goes too far and impacts your daily well-being, talking to a professional therapist in the community can be very beneficial.
- Practice mindfulness- See below for more information on mindfulness. It is a great tool in battling stress and feeling overwhelmed.
Impulse Control: It is definitely true that some people naturally develop greater impulse control than others. This is particularly true for kids (and adults) with ADHD and issues with Executive Functioning. Strong self-control is a better predictor of academic and other success than IQ. Fortunately, there are things we can do to develop self-control.
- Be clear about expectations and be prepared. If you are going somewhere where waiting will be required, bring books, puzzles or games to keep your child occupied. Before a play date, talk about expectations relating to sharing toys, games or space. If needed, put special toys away that you know sharing might be difficult.
- Be consistent in enforcing established rules and be careful not to give in to tantrums. If you said no candy, stick with that. If you said you will leave the park if she becomes too physical, do just that. Say what you will do and do what you say.
- Give your child the language to express what they are feeling, and help give them strategies to work things out with others to avoid impulsive behavior.
- Practice playing with self-control. Freeze tag or Red Light, Green Light are great fun games to practice stopping action at specific cues.
- Make a break space. We all need a safe place to go when we feel upset. Have your child identify and create a soothing spot at home where they can collect themselves and gain control. Bubbles, soft music, play dough, crayons and paper, books and stuffed animals can be great things to have in those spaces.
- Positive reinforcement is key. Feel free to be over the top with positive praise when your child has demonstrated self-control.
- Model self-control yourself and talk about the process so your child can understand the thought processes behind it.
- Establish limits and guidelines for screen time. Children and teens absolutely require your help in developing healthy habits when it comes to screens. Together you can decide how much time is acceptable, and be consistent and clear in enforcing expectations. Kids (and adults) that struggle with self-regulation and impulse control particularly need your help in managing a healthy amount of screen time.
Mindfulness: Mindfulness means being present in the now, without placing judgement on one's experience in that moment. It is an awareness of feelings, both physical and emotional, without immediately trying to change them. Mindfulness is using your being mind, not your doing mind. There is tremendous benefit to practicing mindfulness, as an opportunity to become more aware of your emotions, a way to practice self-control and a very positive strategy for stress management. For more information and resources on mindfulness, see my blog post from November 2015.
Motivation and setting/achieving goals: Just as some people develop a natural ability to maintain self-control, others also seem born intrinsically motivated. Establishing structure and clear expectations from an early age, and being consistent in enforcing them can help some children develop an internal sense of motivation. Others may need help developing motivation, and fortunately, there are strategies to help us do so:
- Buy in- Most kids (and adults) need to understand how the task or activity relates to them. We all yearn to feel significant and understanding how we are personally connected to something and accomplishing it helps us feel important. For some children and teens, it is often helpful to use the statement, "you have to do what you have to do so you can do what you want to do." Most are also more motivated when they are part of the planning phase- let them decide which chores need to be done and what day or time of day they would like to do them. Let them establish a spot for homework, and purchase a few new supplies to make this work spot more functional (and fun). Have them help set guidelines on timelines and how to enforce them. If you manage all of the pieces, it is unlikely they will feel they are in control which may decrease their motivation.
- Let them learn from failure. Natural consequences are generally the most effective. It is not helpful for their growth and development if you always save them by bringing in the forgotten book or instrument. Failure and making mistakes is good for all of us. After it is has occurred you can help your child reflect on what went wrong and help them make a plan to prevent it from happening again.
- Help keep projects attainable. Be realistic from the start by setting goals and tasks at just the right level and put supports in place to achieve them.
- Visual cues- Many of us benefit from visual cues to remind us of our goals and tasks and the steps we need to take to be successful. These are helpful throughout a child's life- in their bedroom, on the bathroom mirror, on the fridge, in their binder or planner, in their locker, etc.
- Provide incentives when necessary. You don't want your child to only be motivated by rewards, but for tasks or projects that are particularly difficult to achieve, a fun reward is always helpful. A bike ride, a trip for ice cream or hot cocoa, purchasing the next book in a series, downloading a favorite album, a trip to the movies- anything that would be fun and ideally something you can do together is a great way to reward hard work.
Resources for more information:
Until next time, take care!
